


I Just Wanted To Protect You

by adaintywomanofmystery



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: AFTG Reverse Big Bang 2020, All of the foxes are art students, Alternate Universe - College/University, Andrew can see death omens, Art Student AU, Artist AU, Death Omens, Death spirits, I haven't taken an art course in 6 years, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, No Exy AU, Non-Linear Narrative, Temporary Character Death, flashbacks to Andrew's childhood, please go easy on me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23261536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adaintywomanofmystery/pseuds/adaintywomanofmystery
Summary: Andrew Minyard can see animal spirits around those going to die within the next year. He’s gotten used to it, learned to not get attached to those with death omens hanging around. That is until a frustratingly mysterious boy worms his way into Andrew’s life. He wasn’t supposed to be interested and he definitely wasn’t supposed to get attached. With the clock ticking, can Andrew change what’s already been decided?
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 13
Kudos: 161
Collections: AFTG Reverse Big Bang 2020





	1. Tell your truth or just a lie, is this hello or is it goodbye?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [llheji](https://archiveofourown.org/users/llheji/gifts).



> This is my contribution to the AFTG Reverse Big Bang 2020. A big shout out to llheji for the amazing art work, and to Iamafairytale for giving me some very helpful feedback and some really nice comments. Also thanks to the mods for organizing this event and keeping us all on track! You guys are all awesome!
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story! Mind the tags, and if you have any questions feel free to talk to me at reneeisbuffjesus on Tumblr! Please enjoy some hurt/comfort during these strange and trying times.
> 
> Title from the song “ilomilo” by Billie Eilish. One day I will stop naming fics after her song lyrics, but today is not that day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song "High" by Young Rising Sons

Andrew Minyard was no stranger to death. He knew it well, what it looked like, what it felt like when it happened to others. He also knew from a young age that he was different, that other kids couldn’t see what he could. Of course, he never wanted to be different, but then again, the universe never particularly seemed to care what he wanted and he learned to stop asking a long time ago. 

He mentioned the spirits only once. Once was enough, of course, to earn him a bad reputation; a terrible thing for a foster child looking for love. 

He was walking with his foster mother at the time. She wasn't terrible, if a bit sternly religious. She gave him food and didn't hit him more than a slap on the hand when he didn't follow her rules. She had a bunch of other foster children, but he's used to competing by now. 

She was even holding his hand. He didn't know exactly where they were going, but they were walking on the street when they passed this old woman. Andrew thought she looked ancient. He felt it too, felt the long stretch of her life trailing behind her like a really strange echo. 

He felt something else too. It was like a kitchen timer without the noise; the feeling of a slingshot with the band pulled back so far you knew it had to let go any moment or it would snap. 

That wasn't what caught his attention, though. Everyone he met felt funny like that. No one talked about it, so Andrew assumed it was just the way people feel. He didn't realize until much later that no one else could sense it too. 

No, the thing that caught his attention was the ghostly blue monkey perched on the old woman's shoulder. It must not weigh anything, because she surely would have toppled over if it had. The monkey turned to look at him and grinned a large smile full of teeth before chittering at Andrew. He recoiled, pressing against his foster mother's legs. The old lady didn't even flinch as the monkey crossed to her other shoulder and turned away from Andrew firmly. 

He was reminded of the ghost stories one of the older girls at his last house was fond of telling. He had nodded sagely, knowing exactly what she was talking about. After all, he’d seen these animal spirits before, why wouldn't there be human ones? It did make him a little afraid though. The ghosts in those stories were not very nice. In one story they even ate little children who were too noisy. 

"What are you looking at?" Andrew's foster mother asked, finally noticing his distraction. "It's rude to stare."

"Her ghost," Andrew said, pointing at the old woman. 

"What are you talking about?" She snapped, her stare narrowing in on Andrew, who was unpleasantly reminded that ghosts weren't the only things that hurt little children. He didn't want to misbehave, but he didn't know what he'd done. Maybe if he clarified, she wouldn't be angry. 

"That lady has a monkey ghost with her. Is it cause she's really old? Does everyone get a ghost when they're old? Are they all the same? Can I have a cat?" The questions bubbled up from him. He was relieved to finally ask some of them. 

Andrew had wanted a cat ever since he met the neighbour's cat, who liked to lay in the hallway and would walk up to Andrew to receive his clumsy pats on the head. 

"There are no such things as ghosts. Stop this nonsense at once," she said sharply, and Andrew wilted, not wanting to make trouble, but just so confused. 

"But it's right there," he insisted, pointing at the old woman who was almost out of sight. 

A stinging slap on his hand put an abrupt end to the conversation. 

"Stop wasting time," was all his foster mother said, pulling roughly on his hand and causing him to stumble. He remained quiet the rest of the day, thinking over what had happened, trying to figure out what he did wrong. He hoped she wouldn't be too mad. 

He didn't end up staying long, after that.

* * *

Andrew has a problem. The problem sits across from him in the library at their large study table, alternating between tapping his pen irritatingly on the table and twirling it through his thick auburn curls.

The annoyance, who had been introduced to him as Neil at the start of their study session, doesn’t look like Andrew’s usual type of problem, but Andrew is used to looking for threats in the most unlikely places. He refuses to be caught off guard because he underestimated someone. 

Everyone else at the table has already seemed to accept Neil right off the bat, except Aaron, who is too busy focusing on his medical books as the only one not in their program. Sure, the art department at PSU is relatively small, but Andrew doesn’t understand how there’s an intruder in the group only one week into the new year. It doesn’t help that his focus is painting, the same as Andrew and Kevin, which means Andrew gets to listen to the same lectures he gets from Kevin directed at someone else. Kevin’s obsession with art history only makes it worse.

Their program is designed so that they have a basic knowledge of most visual art styles, and it’s their electives that let them specialize. The thought of Neil possibly taking some of the same classes as he and Kevin sets his teeth on edge. He doesn’t like to share, especially not friends. 

Andrew can’t say he’s particularly close with most of the others, but he doesn’t want Neil near his family, which includes Kevin and Renee. He isn’t worried about Renee, both because she can protect herself, and because he can’t tell her what to do, but Kevin is a stubborn fool who will probably ignore him and get hurt somehow.

Andrew's still not even sure how he got roped into their group anyway. Nicky’s always been too social for Andrew’s tastes, but it was actually probably Kevin’s fault. He started talking to Andrew near the start of their first year, ignoring Andrew’s not subtle looks to back off, and somehow he stuck around. It may have something to do with the fact that everyone else outside of their group avoids Kevin. He doesn’t exactly have a winning personality.

Or maybe it was Renee’s fault since she was the one who convinced him to apply here in the first place. He’d met her at an art camp that his mentor in juvie had signed him up for. He liked her dark side and she hadn’t been disturbed by his apathy and bad attitude. Somehow they had kept in contact and he’d ended up coming here once he’d graduated high school. 

Andrew narrows his eyes at Neil, realizing he'd been lost in thought rather than paying attention. This kid is dangerous, no question. He spends some time thinking through the different options and outcomes, watching Neil argue with Kevin. 

This doesn’t seem like an easily solved problem. Usually, his solutions involve a pair of knives, but if Andrew has to sit through one more lecture from Renee about pulling knives on people he doesn’t like, he might just stab himself instead.

It is amusing, however, to picture what Neil would do. Would he freeze up? Cry? He doesn’t really look like a crier, with eyes like ice chips that regard the world with cautious curiosity.

 _Do your worst_ , his eyes seem to say. It’s this look about him, the rabbit ready to run at war with that predator’s instinct that has Andrew on edge.

Well, that and the fox ghost currently curled up protectively across Neil’s shoulders. Andrew can think of many explanations for the death omen that are not dramatic, but he can’t shake the feeling that Neil is trouble and they should all stay as far away from his as possible to avoid becoming collateral damage in whatever catastrophe is headed Neil’s way.

Andrew spends the entire study session pondering this mystery. It’s not hard to see why the others are clinging onto this boy so tightly. The kid looks like a walking tragedy, in his baggy, worn-out clothes and stubborn expression. His posture screams don’t look at me to the point it’s hard to look away. 

He won’t be able to convince the others of the danger, though. They are all immediately smitten; Boyd has all but adopted the kid, and it’s not hard to see why. Not even Renee, who is the most willing of anyone to listen to Andrew would be willing to abandon this kid because of his “bad feelings”.

He’ll just have to take matters into his own hands.

He gets caught staring just then. The irritating pen clicks stop and Neil meets his gaze defiantly, raising his chin slightly as if challenging him to try something. Andrew, not the slightest bit embarrassed at having been caught staring, is always willing to step up to a challenge.

They maintain eye contact, neither one willing to look away until Kevin—sitting beside Neil much to Andrew’s ire—asks him a question and he’s forced to turn away. The fox spirit remains facing Andrew. Despite not having distinct facial features, Andrew can sense the judgment radiating from the little fox, so he stares that down too, thinking and planning, until everyone gets bored of pretending to be good students trying to get ahead on their readings and starts goofing off. 

That kind of studious behaviour never lasts longer than a few weeks, then they’ll be spending more time in diners and the studio instead of the library. Hopefully, that means Neil will be left behind too, though Andrew doesn’t bother hoping for anything that convenient. If he wants Neil gone, he’ll have to take action himself.

He gets the perfect opportunity not much time later. Andrew is sitting slumped over on the table, staring into space when Neil makes eye contact with him deliberately and raises an eyebrow. This catches Andrew's interest as he watches Neil make his excuses and pack up to leave. Andrew gets the feeling Neil wants to talk, though he can’t imagine why. Apparently Neil isn’t easily intimidated by staring. 

He’s just trying to decide if it’s worth it to follow Neil now or if he should just confront him later when Nicky’s voice breaks his concentration.

“Staring at the new kid again?” Nicky says in a teasing voice. “I saw you watching him earlier too. You know, if you’re interested you could talk to him.”

Nicky keeps talking, trying to get a reaction out of Andrew, but he just ignores him, deciding he’d rather deal with Neil than his cousin’s pestering. He stands up, cutting Nicky off mid-sentence and not bothering to say anything to anyone at the table when he leaves. Renee gives him a curious look that he waves off, but everyone else is pretty much used to his strange, unexplained behaviour by now.

He easily catches up to Neil, who is waiting on the library steps, back straight and face determined. Andrew also notices how his feet shuffle, giving away his nervousness. 

Andrew decides to lean against the stair railing and let Neil make the first move. One of Andrew’s best qualities is his patience, which has served him well in the past. Nothing worse than a hasty revenge plan that turns sour.

Neil currently has the height advantage, already a few inches taller than Andrew, and also standing a few steps higher on the library stairs. Andrew couldn’t care less about the little power play and leaves the distance between them as a barrier.

Neil seems to also be waiting for Andrew to say something, being the aggressor in this situation. Now that they are alone, Andrew takes the time to get a sense for Neil. He would close his eyes if the situation was different, but instead he blurs his vision, letting himself reach out and acknowledge the feeling of Neil’s life force, now that he’s no longer surrounded by so many other people clogging up his senses.

It’s unlike anything he’s ever felt before. It feels ragged and stretched thin, full of holes and near misses. The brush of death against a person leaves permanent marks against their essence. The ticking clock is loud, the rubber band stretched almost to the point of snapping. Andrew cannot give a precise estimate of how long he has, but he knows it’s less than a year. This only confirms Andrew's suspicions that Neil is a dangerous person and he needs to chase him away now. 

Eventually Neil breaks the silence; “What the fuck is your problem?” He asks, though there’s no heat to his voice. Mostly mild exasperation and some annoyance.

Andrew turns over different responses in his mind, but eventually he goes for his usual direct approach. 

“I don’t like you,” is all he says, letting Neil do with that what he wants. 

“What have I possibly done to offend you so quickly?” Neil says, letting his annoyance show through, probably more than he intends. The persona he projected to the others showed a quiet, restrained disposition. He even put up with Kevin’s pestering without complaint, which deserves a medal. Andrew’s instincts told him that was all a front though, and now he’s starting to see the cracks. If there’s one thing Andrew is good at, it’s finding the weak links in people’s defenses.

Andrew shrugs casually and is not disappointed when Neil’s expression turns into a thundercloud. Neil takes the couple steps down so he’s standing on the same level as Andrew. Andrew waits until Neil crosses his invisible boundary before pulling his knives out in a vaguely threatening gesture, not touching Neil, but too close for anyone to be comfortable.

There’s a brief pause as they both wait for the other to make the next move. When it’s apparent Andrew isn’t actually going to murder him, Neil makes a strange sound. It takes Andrew a second to realize that Neil is laughing. 

It’s a hideous laugh, completely devoid of any mirth. What really catches Andrew off guard is that Neil steps _towards_ Andrew instead of away. The knife bumps up against Neil’s chest, but Andrew doesn’t back down or shift position.

Neil is looking at him with an infuriating look on his face. It isn’t smugness, and it isn’t fear. He almost looks… tired.

“Do you have a death wish?” Andrew can’t help but ask, needing to gain some control back over the situation. Neil pretends to think about it.

“Mmm… no.”

“Don’t think I’ll use them, then?” Andrew sneers back. At the same time, he puts the faintest pressure into the knife, a reminder that it is there and he’s not backing down.

“Nope,” Neil says, popping his lips on the “p”. Andrew’s eyes are drawn to Neil’s lips when he says it, and noticing how close they are, takes a step back. Neil raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything, instead retreating to a higher stair and sitting down. 

“You wouldn’t want to bet your life on it,” Andrew says and means it. He folds his arms, still not letting go of the knives, already becoming tired with their little dick measuring contest. Andrew’s never had much patience for other people’s egos. He’s made his point, now it’s time for Neil to get the hint and disappear from his life. He doesn’t need someone in his life that’s too stupid to take threats seriously.

“Oh, I have no doubt you can and would use them on me, but you’re not going to,” Neil says and smiles that tired smile again, chin resting on the hand propped up by his knee. The fox spirit paces restlessly on his shoulders, showing the agitation he was trying to elicit from Neil.

That stops Andrew short. Neil’s right, but there’s no way he would know for sure, and he’s awfully confident.

“Oh, and why is that? Didn’t you hear what they called me? I’m a monster, remember.” Andrew has very little energy to spare in caring about what others think of him, but his reputation has come in handy and he’s done very little to discourage the impression he’s given.

“I’ve known monsters before,” Neil says conversationally. “They have no idea what they’re talking about. Besides,” Neil throws Andrew a conspiratorial look, “it’s far too much effort to clean up all the blood.”

It’s hard to argue with that logic. As much as he’s itching to stab Neil just to prove him wrong — he’s an instigator at heart after all— he has to admit it really isn’t worth the trouble. Yet.

Andrew just stares Neil down for a long moment before grunting out an, “I better not see you around again” before heading off to the car. He just wants to be at home now, not stuck in this strange conversation. What a pain.


	2. Could you still show me a way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "What Can I Do if the Fire Goes Out" by Gang of Youths

Andrew didn't mention the ghosts or the strange feelings or anything at the next house or the one after that, but it didn't matter. They found other things to punish him for. He tried to tell himself he was glad to leave every time they passed him along, but it didn't quite work, and the next house was never better.

Andrew didn't like talking to the parents, or the other children he was usually stuck with. He'd often say strange things that he didn't realize were strange until later, but the damage was done. He earned a reputation for being creepy and weird, names that followed him wherever he went. He stopped talking to most people altogether, but that only added to the problem.

When Andrew was seven, he learned that the spirits actually meant something. His foster father was a nasty man, large and brutish with gross yellow teeth and a huge glowing blue snake that would often stay wrapped loosely around the man's neck like a scaly scarf. 

Sometimes it would slither into his room late at night, usually followed closely by his 'father'. Andrew hated that snake almost as much as he hated that man. 

He got that same funny ticking feeling he got from the woman, and it set his teeth on edge, that feeling that _something_ was going to happen. 

That _something_ happened a couple of months later when his foster father was sneaking into his new foster daughter's room and was met with a pair of scissors in what the courts eventually ruled to be an incident of self-defence. 

He finally understood what that weird feeling was when that night he was drawn from his room by the commotion and saw the snake slithering away before it disappeared down the hall. 

He couldn't say he was particularly sad about the whole thing when his caseworker came to pick him up and take him to the next nightmare.

* * *

The library is not the last time Andrew sees Neil, much to his annoyance. The art department is poorly funded, and the number of painting studios on campus are limited. 

There’s one in the basement of the art building on the opposite side of campus from basically anything else. It’s pretty cold, the pipes rattle, the walls and floors are blank concrete covered in drop sheets, all of the surfaces are flecked with different colours of paint. The sink is clogged with paint and the water pressure is way too high. All of the easels and stools are wobbly. 

It’s Andrew’s favourite place on campus. During the day, there are usually students there, because space is a luxury on a University campus, but at night after all the buildings close down and the remaining students are either sadly trudging home or locked in the computer labs all night, the studio is empty. There’s even a rumour that it’s haunted by the ghost of some kid who was murdered there, the rusty patches near the floor drain cited as proof.

It’s the only place on campus that Andrew feels like he can breathe. It also helps to get away from Aaron, Nicky and Kevin in their cramped little student house that’s always messy and loud and just too much sometimes. 

He even has a key to the building, after Wymack, his painting instructor, finally got fed up with Andrew breaking in and just gave him the key. 

The semester has only started recently, but Andrew is already fed up enough with everyone that he’s willing to haul himself all the way across campus to hide in the art studio for a while. Andrew approaches the building, not paying much attention until he realizes that lights in the studio are still on. 

After trying the handle and finding it unlocked, Andrew swings the door open with a crash, startling the room’s current occupant into falling off his already unsteady stool.

“Watch it! I almost made a mistake because of you.” No one other than Neil Josten glares at him from across the room. Andrew thumps his bag down on one of the large tables in the room and moves to start gahering his usual stuff. 

“How did you get in?” Andrew asks, though he probably already knows the answer. Wymack needs to stop being such a bleeding heart for fuck’s sake. Everything is really starting to get on Andrew’s nerves.

“I just… didn’t leave after class today. Wymack didn’t bother to chase me out, so… I decided to just stay here for a while.”

Andrew doesn’t feel like arguing more tonight, so he promptly ignores Neil’s existence after that. He’s still in the process of stretching a new canvas, trying to decide what he’s going to paint. He likes the relaxing rhythm of applying the gesso to the canvas, feeling the brush move smoothly over the fabric as the primer sinks in slowly. 

While he waits for that canvas to dry, he pulls out some of his cheaper practice canvases and plays around for a while with the colours. He ends up mixing a couple of different shades of blue, drawn back to the colour again and again even when he tries to move on. 

Glancing up, he sees the back of Neil’s head bent over the canvas. He’s almost falling off his stool, but he doesn’t seem to care, completely focused on the painting. Just to the side, the little fox spirit is poking around the paint supplies, standing on its hind legs to reach the tabletop where they have stored all of their things.

Andrew ponders for a minute before he turns back to planning his composition. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time one of the spirits had made its way into his art. He’s spent a lot of time trying to capture the exact amorphous nature of the spirits, but every time he falls just short. 

Night has passed well into the morning before Andrew looks up again. Despite having another person in the room, he was able to focus entirely on painting without interruption. A yawn startles him out of his own reverie and he looks over to Neil, who appears to be falling asleep at his canvas. 

Andrew hadn’t bothered before to see what Neil was working on, but looking now it’s clearly going to be a landscape. Neil’s been working with oil paints, which Andrew has always despised. He prefers working with acrylics. Oils are too finicky and irritating to deal with—not to mention how much of a nightmare clean up is—but the way Neil is able to blend colours almost makes Andrew reconsider.

Andrew packs his stuff up and heads out, only sparing a look back at Neil who gives him a solemn nod in return. Let him do what he wants, Andrew doesn’t care.

When Andrew finally makes it back home, he collapses into bed. He should probably shower, but he doesn’t have class until mid-afternoon tomorrow and he’s too lazy to leave his bed. Still, his thoughts keep him up for a while yet.

* * *

Despite not speaking, Andrew is somehow unsurprised to find Neil back in the studio the next time he makes the trip. This time Andrew doesn’t try to scare the shit out of Neil, who returns the favour by not talking to him. Another night of working in silence is oddly peaceful again.

Before Andrew realizes, they fall into a sort of routine. Andrew ends up at the studio on nights he doesn’t have an early class the next day, a couple of times a week. Andrew isn’t sure how often Neil is in the studio, but he suspects he might go every night. 

That kind of dedication might seem impressive, but it doesn’t take a genius to recognize that Neil’s a dysfunctional mess. Still, he sets out Andrew’s stool and easel for him when he sets up his own, and who is Andrew to judge?

He also sees Neil regularly throughout the week, despite not having any classes together. Andrew’s circle of friends has pretty much adopted Neil, just like Andrew thought they would, and they invite him along when they all hang out. Andrew and Neil don’t usually talk to each other at these events, but they don’t go out of their way to avoid each other either like it seemed they should after such a rocky start.

Neil’s often in the cafeteria with Matt and Dan on days when Andrew and his group join them. It’s mostly habit really, that has him seeing all these people, and it lets him keep tabs on everyone.

After all, if any of them were to get hurt, Renee would be upset and Andrew feels it is his duty to his friend to at least keep an eye on the others. He wouldn’t go as far as to say he likes hanging out with them, but it’s something to break up the monotony of class. 

The first time Neil willingly speaks to Andrew, they are working in the studio late at night. Andrew has an assignment due soon that he’s working hard to complete at the last minute. Having an eidetic memory is pretty useful in most subjects, but not even a perfect memory can create a short cut for painting.

Andrew is very focused on his work, and so he doesn’t realize at first that someone is even speaking. 

“So is blue your favourite colour?”

“What?” Andrew replies eloquently, trying to parse the words at such a late hour. 

“I asked if blue is your favourite colour, you know since you paint with it a lot,” Neil says, no judgement in his voice or on his face. Piercing blue eyes stare at Andrew expectantly and he’s uncomfortably reminded exactly why he’s been so focused on the one colour recently. 

He forgets that he’s not actually obligated to respond, though all he comes back with is a simple, “No,” and then a slightly more accusatory, “Why?”

Neil just shrugs. 

“No reason, really. Just curious if there was a reason why you’re using up all your blue acrylics.”

Andrew just grunts and goes back to painting. He’s interrupted a few seconds later by another question, however, and he huffs in frustration.

“So, what is your favourite colour?” Neil asks. Andrew suspects he was lying about not having a death wish, after all, considering he’s still trying to carry on a conversation with Andrew of all people.

“That’s going to cost you,” Andrew says, surprising himself. Why isn’t he just shutting Neil out as he planned? And yet, he finds himself wondering if Neil will understand what that means.

“What do you want in exchange?” Neil asks, a puzzled look on his face, and Andrew is almost irritated that Neil knew what to ask.

“Truth for a truth. If I answer one of your questions, you have to answer one of mine.”

“Fair enough,” Neil says, with a small smile, far softer than it has any right to be right now. “So will you answer my question?”

Andrew turns back to his painting without acknowledging Neil, but after a minute he finally says, “Black.” He doesn’t give Neil a chance to ask before he follows up with his own question.

“What are you avoiding by spending all your time in this shitty studio?”

“Wow you don’t pull punches, do you?” Neil says with a wince.

Andrew just gestures vaguely with the paintbrush, not willing to let Neil dodge the question. If they’re really going to do this, then he’s going to indulge his curiosity and try to figure out why Neil doesn’t seem to add up. 

Neil doesn’t say anything for so long that Andrew is beginning to think that he won’t answer after all.

“It’s too… quiet, where I’m living now,” Neil says eventually. He doesn’t elaborate and Andrew doesn’t push. They work in silence for the rest of the night.

Andrew expects that to be the end of the questions, so the next time they are together when Neil asks him another question he is genuinely surprised. 

“When did you learn to paint?” The question is asked off-handedly, but the answers are never that simple with Andrew.

“Juvie. How about you?”

“I learned from my mother…” Neil trails off, his face blinking closed like the shutter of a camera before he bounces back. Andrew has spent enough time around fake smiles to know one when he sees one, but for some reason instead of pushing harder, he relaxes instead, giving Neil time to figure himself out. 

They trade back and forth, easier questions mixed with more difficult ones. They both shy away from talking too much about their personal lives, neither one giving more than short, abrupt answers that ask more questions than they solve.

As Andrew expected, Neil is certainly a disaster, however, there is no indication as to what is going to cause Neil’s untimely end. He asks strange questions about Neil’s medical history and enemies he might have made, much to Neil’s confusion. Andrew gets the feeling that the answers he gets are not the full truth. Maybe the reason Neil can’t remember the last time he went to the doctor is the result of the terrible healthcare system, but maybe the answer is more sinister. Maybe Neil is a walking time bomb. 

Neil isn’t particularly clumsy, but accidents can happen to anyone. Andrew generally tries to avoid making theories about the potential causes of death for the people around him. It usually leads nowhere and has him pondering the fragility of life for long enough to lead him to the edge of an existential crisis, his apathy acting as fuel to the fire of a bad spiral. 

Even still, Andrew can’t help coming back to the question over and over. How is Neil Josten going to die?


	3. I can’t tell you how much I wish I didn’t want to stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song, "Wish you were gay" by Billie Eilish (again :P)

It had happened again — when Andrew was eight he saw a young girl, with a blue parrot flying behind her, dart into traffic while her mom wasn't looking. She never even saw the car coming. The parrot hopped around beside the girl, flapping its wings and letting out silent squawks before flying away. 

Andrew felt the moment she died, felt the snap of the band inside his chest and the release of the tension he hadn't noticed building. The parrot pecked at the girl a few times before taking flight. Andrew took a step closer, curious to know where the parrot was going, when someone grabbed his arm, making him jump. 

A woman he didn't know stood before him. She was asking if he was alright, but he wasn't really paying attention, annoyed to have lost sight of the parrot. He wondered if it was her soul, or something else. Now there's no way he'll find out. 

He shook the woman off, turning away from the scene to keep walking home. He would much rather stay and see what would happen, but he was already running late, and he would rather try and avoid the anger of his foster parents.

He got the feeling this wouldn’t be his last chance to see one of the spirits. Life isn't nearly that kind.

* * *

Andrew needs to stay away from Neil Josten. Andrew can’t stay away from Neil Josten. 

They see each other all the time. When they are around their friends, hanging out in the library or diners, they speak occasionally. Neil has completely integrated himself into their little group. He’s in the group chat, and at all their study sessions. He even talks to them more, participating in their jokes and debates. 

Allison and Nicky often try to rope him into their ridiculous bets, but he refuses. Andrew has, however, seen him give insider information to Allison and split the profits with her, but he isn’t going to mention that to the others. Matt is still convinced Neil is an innocent child who would never do something devious. 

Andrew seems to be the only one that Neil let’s see how much that’s a lie. For instance, the others never seem to notice, but sometimes Neil will say something with a double meaning that no one else will catch, and he’ll look at Andrew slyly and wink. Andrew does not want to admit what that wink does to him.

He also sees Neil lie constantly and it just adds to the mystery. He laughs at jokes, but will later confess to Andrew he has no idea why they’re funny. He often lies about having plans late at night to avoid going out to clubs and bars, but Andrew will still see him in the studio later that night.

For someone so straight forward when they’re alone, Neil spends a lot of time pretending around others. As the months go by, however, Andrew can slowly see the act drop in public, growing bolder with his firecracker personality when their group embraces these changes.

Of course, nothing good ever stays that way for long in Andrew’s life.

It happens like this; One day Neil is an irritating mystery that won’t leave him alone. The next day Neil isn’t in the studio after hours like he usually is and Andrew practically has a heart attack.

He’s not ready for Neil to die just yet. He hasn’t annoyed him nearly enough, nor has he gotten to the bottom of his strange secrets. Neil’s obviously running from something. Andrew’s almost surprised his spirit wasn’t a rabbit from how twitchy he is. 

Andrew takes a deep breath, letting a thick layer of apathy settle over him. Nothing he does is going to change things if something has already happened and he’s not used to getting so worked up about other people. He also doesn’t acknowledge that he spends his time in the studio scrolling news sites for reported deaths on campus.

He tries to spend some of the time working on one of his midterm projects, but he spends far too long staring at the canvas not registering colours. He’s not ready to admit this is a problem yet. All they do is talk and snark at each other. It’s only been a couple of months, it’s not supposed to go this way. Andrew isn’t supposed to _care_.

Eventually, Andrew gets too restless and heads back home without accomplishing anything.

The next time Andrew sees Neil, Andrew’s sitting in the library having lunch with Kevin and Nicky, brazenly disobeying the no food in the library rule. They are both arguing about something Andrew hasn’t bothered to pay attention to. He’s currently shredding his tuna sandwich, but he hasn’t taken an actual bite yet. It’s satisfying to feel the squish between his fingers. 

Kevin and Nicky barely spare him a glance, mostly used to his antics and weird eating habits by now. He looks up when there’s a clatter and sees Neil drop into the seat across from him, little blue fox standing on its hind legs, front paws resting on the table and nose sniffing around despite it not actually having a sense of smell. 

Or maybe it does. Andrew has never actually bothered to learn too much about them. It’s little bushy tail wags when it spots the tuna sandwich. Andrew briefly considers tossing it some food to see what would happen but dismisses the thought quickly. 

“Hey,” Neil says, giving Andrew a small smile that makes his heart clench painfully. Andrew doesn’t acknowledge Neil, looking off somewhere to the side in search of a distraction. He’d been reasonably sure that Neil wasn’t actually dead, as he’d feel like Kevin would have mentioned it. Not even he could be that self-absorbed not to notice when one of his friends shuffles off his mortal coil.

Still, knowing logically and having the proof in front of his eyes are two completely different things and he feels a knot of tension loosen, just to tense back up when he realizes what is happening. He knew Neil was dangerous from the start, this just wasn’t the kind of danger he predicted.

Of course, while Nicky and Kevin were used to Andrew not talking to them, it has been some time since Andrew so blatantly ignored Neil. He also ignores the questioning looks Neil sends his way. 

Eventually, Neil and Kevin have to leave for their classes. Neil packs up slowly, not making eye contact with Andrew. He sends one last furtive gaze, peering through ridiculously long eyelashes before he leaves. Andrew doesn’t know what to think, so he doesn’t. 

“What was with that look?” Nicky asks, confused. Andrew ignores him in the vain hope that Nicky will just drop it. 

“Hey Andrew, can I talk to you?” When Nicky still gets no response he just pushes forward.

“Well I’ll talk, you just have to listen. You know I love you and Aaron—don’t give me that look, just accept my love— and I want you to be happy.”

Nicky gives Andrew what he assumes is supposed to be a reassuring smile, but it only makes Andrew shift uneasily in his seat, uncomfortable at the earnest look in Nicky’s eyes.

Nicky clears his throat, almost looking embarrassed, but he’s smiling as he says, “I was honestly so afraid you were going to be alone forever. You’ve never shown a real interest in anyone, until now. And it’s just... these past few months you’ve seemed—I don’t know if happier is the right word—but less closed off? And I just—I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t let a good thing go, you know?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Andrew says harshly. It does not deter Nicky, who has that determined look on his face. 

“Really? ‘Cause it’s pretty clear from where I stand. I mean, you actually talk to him. You let him steal your food. You don’t glare at him like you wish he was dead in a ditch somewhere like you do with everyone else. I’ve even seen you give him rides in your car before, and you’re very protective of it. How can you deny it?”

“It means nothing,” Andrew says dismissively. 

“It can’t mean nothing. I see the way you _look_ at him and I just... I don’t believe you,” Nicky says firmly. 

“That is definitely your problem, not mine.” Andrew can feel that familiar anger rising like bile in his throat. Nicky’s starting to edge into dangerous territory and he doesn’t even know it.

“But you two are perfect for each—“ Nicky starts to say, but before he can finish Andrew cuts him off, finally turning to look at Nicky. 

“He’s not my answer and I am sure as fuck not his. I’m a complete person with or without someone else and I don’t care what you think but I won’t have you dictating anything about my life because you’re afraid of being alone. It’s not my fault your parents don’t love you and have left you with deep-seated abandonment issues but don’t project that onto me.” 

Andrew intentionally tries to be harsh, hoping to deter future heart to hearts, but Nicky just gets this sad look in his eyes like Andrew isn’t getting it. It makes him want to grind his teeth or pull his knives, but he settles for standing up and walking away, leaving Nicky to deal with the mess he made. 

Nicky tries to call after him but quiets down after receiving a dozen angry glares from the other students trying to study. 

Andrew doesn’t go to the studio that night, breaking his usual habit for the first time in over a month. He ends up getting in his car and just driving around. He just wants to get away for a while, get his head clear of stupid blue eyes. 

Andrew doesn’t think much of it. No one really pays attention to what he does and where he goes. He expects Neil to be no different. What does it matter if he doesn’t show up? There’s nothing between them. 

Andrew spends the next week definitely not moping. His fuse just feels shorter than usual and the sight of other people makes his lungs tight with anger right now. 

He brushes off Kevin when he tries to fuss at him during class and avoids the others, skipping lunch to work in the studio when Neil has class since he isn’t getting the time in at night anymore. 

He paints using violent reds and harsh blacks, but all the colours just blend into shades of auburn and he ends up trashing the canvas. He pointedly stays away from blue, leaving his one assignment unfinished in the corner, already partially covered in the traitorous colour. 

He gives up on colours entirely and spends his time painting in monochrome black and white. 

It’s a week and half since the last time he talked to Neil. It’s been three days since the last time he saw him walking towards him on campus and dodged into a crowd. 

It’s better this way. As long as he doesn’t talk to him, the problem will just go away. 

He’s putting the finishing touches on a painting he’s restarted three times and he’s still not happy with when the door crashes open violently. 

His hand stutters, smudging the paint and he turns a murderous glare on the person who just walked in. Neil glares at him from the door of the studio and Andrew can’t help but feel he might have underestimated the situation slightly. 

Neil storms right up to him and gets in his face, staring Andrew down, who returns the stare with equal intensity. He isn’t about to back down from this fight.

Finally, Neil takes a step back and drags one of the stools over. He sits down on it, his toes dangling an inch above the floor. The way he crosses his arms makes him look like a petulant child. It should not be this attractive.

Andrew turns his gaze away, trying to avoid falling into the same trap he’s been running from. It works about as well as an ostrich with its head in the sand avoids danger. The moment Neil starts speaking he has to look.

“I’m taking a turn,” Neil says. It’s not a question.

Andrew simply motions with one hand for Neil to proceed.

“Why are you avoiding me? Is it something I did?” When Neil speaks, he sounds a lot softer than Andrew is expecting.

“I’m not avoiding you, and that’s two questions,” Andrew can’t help but say. As expected he sees Neil’s jaw clench. 

“Bullshit,” Neil says. He suddenly looks very angry, his quick temper getting the best of him. “Don’t play with my feelings. If you have a problem with me, tell me to my face. Don’t be a coward and try to run away from me.”

The truth of those words sting. He’s not sure why he thought this would work. He’s always been best at solving problems head-on, even when the situation felt overwhelming or impossible. But to do that now… he’s going to need something from Neil first.

“I’m not the one that looks ready to run at every moment. A truth for a truth. Tell me what you’re running from little rabbit and I’ll give you an answer.”

Neil looks at Andrew warily, hands clenched in the fabric of his pants, which are all covered in paint splotches. 

“Are you trying to dodge the question?” Neil shoots back. Andrew remains silent out of a strange desire to make this as difficult for Neil as it is for him.

“Fine. I’m not running from anything. Anymore.” He tacks on the “anymore” at the last second in an almost painful attempt at honesty.

“You expect me to just believe that? I see the way you flinch. The way you check all the exits. That stupid duffel bag you bring everywhere. You look homeless and you’re trying to tell me you aren’t running from something? Don’t lie to me,” Andrew bites back.

Andrew watches Neil’s expression darken before he stands and starts pacing back and forth, his eyes like shards of ice. Andrew has noticed in the past how Neil is always fiddling, always in motion in some way, except when he paints. At night in this studio, when it’s just the two of them, Neil gets so focused you’d think the rest of the world had just melted away while he wasn’t looking. 

“Fuck you. You’re pretty much the only one in my life that knows anything true about me and you accuse me of lying? You want the truth? Fine, but it will cost you.” Andrew hesitates for a moment before casting caution to the wind. He’s tired of lying to himself. Andrew nods once, an acknowledgment of Neil’s conditions.

“I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t running. I used to… My father…” Neil swallows audibly, having trouble getting the words out.

“My father was… not a nice man. He… He killed my mother and he would have killed me too, but I got away. He’s gone now, I don’t have to worry about him, though if he wasn’t locked up he’d probably try to come and kill me if he could." Neil paints a picture with stilted words of a terrible childhood, and all Andrew can do is take it in. Details are sparse, but the point comes across easily. 

Neil ends with, "All I got, in the end, was an empty house I don’t want and no family, no one left to care about me.”

Once Neil finishes his sob story he sits back down on the stool. With his feet on the seat he wraps his arms around his legs and rests his chin on his knees. He isn’t making eye contact with Andrew, but Andrew can still feel the tension rolling off of him as he waits for a reaction. 

It’s pretty terrible, as far as backstories go, even if there aren’t many details. Andrew doesn’t pity him, though. He understands how cruel the world can be, and fake feelings of sadness aren’t going to change the past. 

“Is that why you’re always here and you dress like you’re homeless?” Andrew asks after a pause. Neil finally looks at him, and when he sees that Andrew isn’t going to react otherwise, he releases a bit of the tension in his body.

“There’s nothing wrong with my clothes,” Neil says slightly defensively. Andrew raises one eyebrow and gives him an exaggerated once over as if to say _really?_ Neil flushes slightly and scowls at Andrew. _Thud_ goes Andrew’s heart.

Neil sighs when Andrew doesn’t say anything else. “It’s just… easier when I don’t go back. When I’m in the studio I feel like I can finally breathe again. When I’m painting, it feels like I’m a little kid again and my mom is with me, guiding me, and I don’t know, it’s just not as shitty.”

A thought occurs to Andrew just then. 

“Where do you sleep? Don’t tell me you—“

“Nope, it’s your turn to answer a question now. You definitely owe me. Why were you avoiding me?” Neil has Andrew pinned under his stare, no escape in sight. Andrew sighs internally.

“I could just start guessing, I suppose,” Neil says, adopting an exaggerated thinking pose. “I will warn you that whatever I come up with will be 100 times worse than whatever the truth is.”

“I do not care what you think,” Andrew says. But he already knows he’s going to answer. He made a promise, after all.

“You make me feel, and I didn’t want that so I left.” Andrew doesn’t waste words trying to explain the complicated situation where he knows that Neil is going to die but he’s in horrible denial about it, and even that one day of thinking he was gone was so horrible he tried to cut him off completely to save himself the pain later. There’s no way to make him understand, so he boils it down and lets Neil figure it out.

“Oh,” is Neil’s first reaction.

“Oh?” Andrew mocks, feeling the air escaping his lungs. He has no idea what to do with such a painful monosyllable.

“I… so wait… are you… for me?” Neil says incoherently, obviously caught off guard. He doesn’t say anything more for a while. Andrew sits there feeling uneasy and exposed. He briefly wishes there was a problem he could stab that would fix things.

“Use your words,” Andrew says after Neil stays silent for too long, using the same mocking tone as before. This was the other reason he didn’t see a point in explaining. Neil obviously wasn’t interested, or he would have realized much sooner. At least now it would be over and Andrew could continue his plan to move on.

“Forget it. Nothing will come of it, and I’m not stupid enough to pretend.” Andrew says harshly when Neil still hasn’t found his words. He looks at his almost finished painting in front of him and fights the urge to throw it on the ground like a child. Instead, he just starts packing up, knowing that another class will be coming in soon and they won’t be alone for much longer. 

Neil watches Andrew work quickly, throwing hastily washed brushes in his kit before storing his painting on the drying racks in the back. Andrew moves to push past Neil, but Neil grabs his arm before he can leave.

“Wait,” he says, almost sounding desperate. Or maybe Andrew is just looking for things that aren’t there. It’s irritating; he thought he was smarter than this, had more control than this, but right now he feels less in control than he has in so long.

“Why me?”

“Let go,” Andrew growls, hating the feeling of being restricted. He needs to put space between them right now. Neil lets go immediately as if burned, the moment Andrew asks. _Damn him. Damn him to hell._

“That’s why,” Andrew says and pushes past him. 

“No wait, don’t go,” Neil calls after him. Andrew stops, hating himself for stopping. 

“What do you want, Neil? I told you to forget about it.”

“What if I don’t want to forget?” Andrew can’t tell if he wants Neil to keep talking. This was never an option because it’s a stupid idea and he has no idea why he’s letting this happen.

“Shut up,” is all Andrew can manage to say. 

“No, I’m not letting this go,” Neil says stubbornly. He’s still so close to Andrew, he could reach out and touch him if he wanted to. Dangerous thoughts are in his head. He can’t let this happen, can’t think about what it would actually mean.

“Not here,” is what he says instead. He walks out of the room quickly, thankful the students in the halls are not paying them any attention. Neil scrambles after him, determination in his step. 

Andrew leads them out to his car in the parking lot, but when they get inside he doesn’t move, doesn’t look at Neil. He just grips the steering wheel and stares out the windshield. 

Neil is the first one to break the silence. “What would you do if I said yes?”

“What are you saying yes to?” Andrew counters.

“What would you ask me for?” Neil counters, throwing it back at Andrew. He hates this, knowing what he wants. He’s not supposed to _want_ anything, and yet when Neil asks, he knows his answer. 

“What are you willing to give me?” Andrew asks, finally releasing the wheel and turning to look at Neil. Before Neil can respond, however, Andrew shifts closer. He puts his fingers in Neil’s collar and pulls him in. Neil goes willingly, breath coming in short pants. 

“Would you say yes?” Andrew asks, a breath away from Neil. He feels Neil’s response ghost across his face, the “Yes” echoing in his ears right before he closes the distance between them.

Time loses all meaning to them, but eventually they break apart. 

“Go out with me tonight?” Neil asks, and well, how is Andrew supposed to say no to that?


	4. If I’m here when you’re gone I’ll fall apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song, "Do you want to die together?" by Stars
> 
> Note: This is the last real chapter, next is a short epilogue

Andrew is 12 the only time he tries to intervene. 

He is in the kitchen, working on his homework at the table when it happens. Cass promised that if he was done his homework by the time she was done with the laundry then they could bake Christmas cookies together.

Andrew loves to bake with her. She always lets him get away with eating some of the cookie dough they make, and even though she says he's only allowed one cookie, he knows that she'll eventually give in and let him have another. 

He's been living with the Spears for eight months at this point. Their oldest son, Drake, has just come home for the Holidays. Andrew knows that if he can just get through these next few weeks, Drake will leave again, but it feels like an eternity. 

He's been tense and anxious ever since Drake showed up, and he thinks the cookies might be a way for her to try and make him feel better. It makes him feel oddly warm, to know that she cared enough to try and cheer him up. 

He wants so desperately to hold on to this, would do anything to keep this, but he knows he can't. Even if his history as a foster child didn't prepare him to be abandoned at any moment, the strange little blue furry creature that follows Cass around tells Andrew he can't keep this. 

It's called an aye-aye. He spent multiple trips to the library looking through animal books to figure out exactly what it was. It doesn't fit her at all. It's creepy looking, nothing like her soft warmth and affection. 

Andrew isn't sure what to do—if he _can_ do anything to stop what he knows is coming. He's mostly been trying not to think about it. 

He's snapped out of his reverie by a series of loud thumps accompanied by a loud shriek. He races to the top of the stairs, where the sound came from, and just stands in a daze, staring down at Cass, splayed out at the bottom of the stairs, a pool of blood slowly spreading out from under her hair. 

Andrew doesn't remember stumbling down the stairs, doesn't remember collapsing beside her. He just knows that suddenly he's by her side, gripping her hand, tears falling down his cheeks and clouding his vision. He goes to wipe his face on his forearm when he catches sight of it. 

The little aye-aye is sitting on Cass' other side, staring at Andrew with its weird eyes. Andrew isn't sure what he's doing, but just as he feels that snap in his chest that tells him she's gone, he makes contact with the furry creature. It squirms in his grip but stays solid. 

Acting on instinct, Andrew places the creature on the center of Cass's chest and begins to push down. The creature begins to sink into her body, and as he watches in fascination, the blood that was spreading out begins to retreat. 

He's going to do it. He's going to save her and then he'll be able to have his family. Drake will go into the army and Andrew won't have to deal with him. He can actually have this. 

Then he sees them. In the basket beside Cass are his sheets, the ones that he ripped off his bed this morning and hid in his closet to wash later. Andrew freezes, caught completely off guard. 

She knows. Cass has to know what's happening. How could she know and not say anything? Not do anything? 

Betrayal burns brightly in Andrew's chest and his grip loosens slightly on the spirit. Before he can react, it wiggles out of his grip and escapes, scampering up the stairs. The last he sees is its bushy tail disappearing around the door frame. 

The blood that was receding starts pooling again. Andrew feels empty, shock blanking his mind. Right behind that is guilt. He killed her. The only person who has ever cared about him, and he killed her. He doesn't even know for sure if she did know, and now he never will. 

He can feel the panic wrap itself around him. He doesn't want this to be happening. How can this be happening? Why is the first nice thing he's ever had taken away from him? How could he _let_ this happen? It's all his fault she's dead. 

The confusion tears him apart, the grief and anger building up until it feels like he's going to choke to death on it. He can't handle any of this and so he shuts down. He pulls apathy and numbness around himself like a blanket and sits on the floor, red-stained knees pulled up to his chest. 

He takes all the horrible emotions and locks them away. He can't handle them, so he won't. He won't ever wish for anything ever again, won't intervene, won't bother. He has no need for regret, it's only going to drive him insane. He can't let the feelings go, but he can push them so far down he will never see them again. 

If he doesn't feel anything, he can't hurt like this ever again.

* * *

Indulging his feelings about Neil is the best and worst decision of Andrew’s life. On the one hand, he feels content in a way he never has before, but on the other hand, knowing he’s going to lose this so soon is putting him under stress he never imagined.

Andrew knows he is acting erratic, oddly clingy one moment, and distant the next. He alternates between trying to hold on so desperately to what they have and trying to maintain his distance to spare himself some of the pain he knows is coming. It’s like a switch flips in his head and he goes from calm to manic in an instant. 

There are so many good moments they share as they make things work, mindful of past traumas and unusual boundaries. Neil understands Andrew’s need for space, and never puts pressure on him to go farther than he asks. 

The first time Neil stays the night, they fall asleep together in Andrew’s bed, something he didn’t think he would ever be okay with, but it’s better than okay. He’s reassured by Neil’s soft breathing beside him, but his mind still won’t quiet down. He spends the whole night paralyzed by the thought of losing this. He can feel the time passing so quickly, hear the clock ticking down to some undetermined endpoint and it drives him crazy.

He tries to hide his stress, knowing he could never explain what he was feeling to anyone, not even Neil. He should have expected Neil to pick up on it, though. 

Neil confronts him about his strange behaviour and Andrew shuts down, refusing to engage. They have their first big argument about it, and Neil ends up storming out. Andrew can’t believe how desperate he feels when he texts Kevin to make sure Neil is alright. In the end, Andrew has never cared much about his pride or the way others see him. The relief he feels when Kevin texts him back with reassurance is like a drug.

When they make up, Andrew doesn’t explain what happened and Neil doesn’t ask. It hangs in the silence between them though, a silent spectator to their lives. They find a way to move past it though, and it seems like everything is going to be just fine, right until the next big fight.

Neil is a horrible person who never answers his phone, and it’s going to kill Andrew before Neil has the chance to die. Or maybe Andrew will actually be the cause of Neil’s death, strangling him out of pure frustration. He spends countless hours assuming the worst, and when Neil finally calls him, Andrew can’t help but lash out.

Their phone call is short. Neil is understandably annoyed at being so closely monitored by Andrew. It’s not like he expects Andrew to check-in so often. It really shouldn’t be a problem to not respond to texts for one night, but Andrew just can’t handle that feeling of not knowing. 

It’s the same feeling he gets when he’s somewhere high up. That gut-wrenching feeling of thinking you’re going to fall, knowing what would happen but feeling powerless to stop it. Andrew is desperately trying not to smother Neil, but his style has always been all or nothing, so when Neil moved from “nothing” into the “everything” category, it changed everything. 

On the call, Neil had said, “Why don’t you trust me?”

It had been like a sucker punch to the gut. He wants to explain to Neil that it’s not a matter of trust, but he can’t put it into words without sounding insane. His denials came off weak and Neil had hung up frustrated.

He’s not supposed to be letting his inner emotions affect his actions. They’re not big on apologies, and so he promises himself that he’ll do better. He assumes that they’ll just go back to normal the next night, but when Neil shows up at his place, the look on his face says they aren’t done with this.

They eat dinner without speaking, but it’s not their usual silence that Andrew finds comfortable. This one has a sharp edge to it, an electricity to the air like the calm before a storm. Still, they end up alone in Andrew’s room and the tension breaks all at once. There’s something desperate about the way Neil reaches for Andrew, reflected in the way Andrew reaches back just as desperately.

They kiss for a while, an edge of sadness tainting an otherwise perfect moment. They don’t take it very far, and they end up just laying in Andrew’s bed, facing each other silently, hands tangled together in the space between them.

“I just don’t understand why you don’t trust me? Have I done something wrong? Is it baggage from an ex that cheated on you? Why is this happening? It’s so unlike you,” Neil whispers each question into the dark, and Andrew can see the confusion and sadness in his eyes, his expression open and vulnerable. He opens and closes his mouth, not knowing what to say to fix it.

“It’s not you that I don’t trust, it’s the world and all the other people in it I don't trust.” Andrew says, referencing Neil’s own words from a conversation they’d had not long ago. 

“I promise, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to run anymore.” Neil says it with such conviction it almost makes Andrew want to laugh.

“You can’t promise that,” Andrew says harshly. He sees Neil flinch, and a flash of guilt goes through him, which he squashes stubbornly. “I mean… you don’t know what’s going to happen. Don’t make promises that are outside of your control.”

Neil’s face smooths out a bit, some understanding peaking through. Andrew guesses Neil is thinking about the bits and pieces he’s been told about Andrew’s life as a foster child. Andrew sighs, before making a difficult decision. 

“I had a foster mother once—her name was Cass— and she wasn’t like the others…” Andrew gives Neil a short version of the story, cutting out all references to Drake and to the death omen that had followed her around. 

Andrew finishes his story with; “It’s not a reason to be acting shitty, but it is an explanation. If I didn’t trust you then this,” Andrew motions to the two of them, “would not be happening.”

Neil grins, picking up on the fact that Andrew has finally acknowledged their “this” for the first time. Andrew just sighs, giving up on the denial. He won’t lie to himself anymore.

It’s not the whole truth, barely a fraction of it, but it’s all Andrew can offer. Neil has his own secrets too, secrets like how he got so many scars, that he’s hinted at but has never explained. As a result, he’s far more understanding than Andrew deserves about the holes in his explanation.

Andrew runs his fingers over those scars after Neil gives him a sleepy nod, and he falls asleep wondering how it all fits together. If he could just figure it out, maybe he could keep Neil safe.

After their fight they start spending more time together and Andrew is able to breathe a little easier. Neil starts staying over more and more often until he practically lives with Andrew and the others. It’s not as difficult to keep tabs on him this way, and some of the strain on their relationship eases.

Kevin couldn’t care less, glad to have the opportunity to trap Neil into more arguments about their shared obsessions. He acts entirely unsurprised when he finds out about Andrew and Neil, having apparently been aware and suffering through their endless pining from both sides, though when Neil claims he wasn’t sure of his own feelings until that day in the studio Kevin just rolls his eyes. 

Nicky is ecstatic, grinning ear to ear every time he sees them together. He goes out of his way to act like Neil is part of their family. For all of his faults, Nicky is very supportive of Andrew, and he can appreciate the way he makes Neil feel welcome with the others. Neither of them has much experience with loving families, but Nicky takes this in stride, and somehow they make it work.

Aaron is the only one to really cause trouble for Andrew. Andrew has no problems telling Aaron to mind his own fucking business, but he seems to be labouring under the delusion that what Andrew does _is_ his problem.

Andrew is able to dodge Aaron pretty easily for a while. He knows what kind of conversation Aaron wants to have, and Neil acts as a pretty good shield. Unfortunately, he can’t put it off forever. At least this means Aaron might stop sending random glares at Neil every time he sees him with Andrew.

Aaron catches Andrew alone for the first time since he started his “something” with Neil. Andrew is about to head out for class, almost in the clear as he shoves his feet roughly into his boots. Undoing your laces is for nerds, but it does add a significant amount of time to his morning routine. 

This apparently gives Aaron the opportunity he’s been waiting for, as the moment Andrew gets stalled by the front entrance he pops out of the kitchen and moves to lean against the door, blocking Andrew’s escape. Groaning internally, Andrew prepares himself for what he expects will be a very irritating conversation. 

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Aaron starts, and Andrew is already done with his cryptic, judgemental bullshit.

“I can assure you I haven’t forgotten how to untie laces, despite the current evidence,” Andrew says, not willing to make this easy. Or willing to give up now that he’s mostly wedged his left foot into his shoe. 

Aaron frowns. “That’s not what I meant. Stop dodging the conversation.”

“Stop getting involved where you don’t belong,” Andrew fires back, trying to reign in his temper. He can already feel the white-hot flare of anger in his stomach and, hiding behind it, the anxiety he’s been ignoring. 

“How do you think this is going to end? I know you know…” Aaron trails off, unable or unwilling to finish his thought.

“Know what Aaron? Be specific.”

It’s not something they talk about and that’s how Andrew prefers it. When they first met, he could see Aaron bursting at the seams with knowledge he had no idea what to do with. He soon settled into the same apathy Andrew did following the death of Tilda otherwise he probably would have gone insane. 

Though Andrew still remembers that little boy whispering, “Can you see them too?” his voice wavering with fear and maybe a little hope too. It’s a terrible thing, to feel so alone in the world, but Andrew hasn’t been someone to rely on others in a long time. 

As a result, it’s never been something Andrew wanted to talk about, after so many bad experiences as a child, but he couldn’t find it in himself to lie to Aaron back then. Maybe he should have if it would have saved him from a conversation like this. He’s just glad they never brought it up to Nicky, who as far as Andrew can tell, remains blissfully unaware.

Andrew decides this conversation is over. He roughly jams his right foot into place and swings his bag onto his shoulder. 

“What do you want Aaron? Do you want me to say it? That’s Neil’s going to die and I can’t stop it? I’m well aware without your meddling, so you can just fuck right off.”

Andrew wants to say it means nothing, but the words stick frustratingly in his throat. Besides, he doesn’t care what Aaron thinks. He settles for pushing Aaron roughly out of the way of the door, not caring when his brother lets out a squawk and falls over. 

“I just don’t want you to get hurt, asshole!” Aaron shouts at Andrew’s retreating back from his new vantage point on the floor. Andrew’s only response is to raise a middle finger without even bothering to turn around. It must send the message because Andrew doesn’t hear anything else.

After that disaster, Aaron tries to avoid Andrew and Neil as much as possible, spending increasing amounts of time at Katelyn’s student house. Neil laughs and calls Aaron an asshole, probably assuming he’s reacted so negatively to Neil because they’re both boys, and Andrew doesn’t do anything to correct him. 

When they are together, it’s like the world is right, the axis of the world is fixed, and Andrew can push his worries aside. But the moment he’s alone, it all comes back. He has to fight the desire to take Neil and run away, to try to hide him. He thinks about ways to change the situation, though that just brings back horrible memories he can’t stand to relive.

No matter what Andrew tries, how much he pretends he’s prepared, the reality is always somehow worse than what he can imagine.

He knows bits and pieces about Neil’s past. He’s seen the scars and noticed the little habits Neil has from a childhood of trauma, but even still Neil acts like it’s all in the past so Andrew doesn’t focus too hard on it either.

They’re walking back home together late one night after spending time in the studio. Finals and term project deadlines are coming up soon, and so they’ve been putting in extra time working on their final projects. The night is dark and quiet, and it feels like it’s just the two of them.

Neil has been acting distracted all day, but now he’s calmer like he always is after painting. After some subtle prodding from Andrew, Neil finally opens up.

“I got a call today,” Neil starts, hesitantly. Andrew is instantly on alert. Neil would never willingly pick up the phone unless it was life or death, and even then it would depend on who was dying. 

“It was one of the prosecution lawyers in charge of my dad’s case. They called to let me know he’s made an appeal and there’s a chance he might get out. I might have to testify against him again.” Neil says it nonchalantly, but Andrew can see the signs of fear in the hunch of his shoulders and the way his fingers twitch.

Andrew feels a growing sense of horror and frustration. His fundamental belief that the world is inherently cruel and designed to punish the innocent means he’s always expecting the worst, but somehow he’s still taken by surprise at the news. He knows, he just knows in his heart that this is how Neil is going to die. It’s the cruelest thing Andrew can think of, so it must be true.

It’s late and Andrew’s tired brain can’t stop playing the same image over and over. Neil’s lifeless body, lying on the ground and bleeding out as a shadowy figure looms over him. He can’t—no, he won’t let this happen. He can stop this, he just has to convince Neil to go along with him.

“Let’s leave,” Andrew says, cutting off whatever Neil had been saying. He hadn’t been paying attention, lost in the swirl of his own thoughts. 

“I—what?” Neil says, caught completely off-guard.

“Let’s just go. We need to get out of here. I need to keep you safe.” Neil is at a complete loss for words, trying to follow Andrew’s thought process.

“How would that help? What about your family? What about school? We can’t just leave right before finals, we’ll fail all of our classes. Where would we even go?” 

But Andrew isn’t listening anymore, too busy trying to make plans. He just needs to get Neil somewhere safe, and then they can avoid this and he doesn’t have to die. Out of the corner of his eye, Andrew sees the little fox spirit stop and turn to stare at Andrew. It seems like it’s trying to tell him something. Maybe it knows that Andrew is right. 

He’s running out of time. He knows that whatever is going to happen, it’s going to happen soon. The elastic band he feels in his chest is pulled taught, ready to break any day now. Maybe he can change that. Maybe just this once he can keep something.

“Andrew, you’re hurting me.” Neil says it calmly, but his face is twisted up in concern, and yes, pain. Andrew looks down to the grip he has on Neil’s arm. He doesn’t even remember reaching out. He relaxes his grip slightly, but he can’t make his fingers loosen all the way.

They’ve stopped at the intersection right before his house. They’re so close to home, but home has never felt further away. He knows what he needs to do. 

“Come on,” he says, dragging Neil forward. He’s confused when Neil resists. He stops dead, looking at Neil, whose face is carefully blank, the way you act around someone when you’re not sure if they’re a threat, but how can Andrew be the threat? It’s everyone else that’s the threat!

“What are you planning?” Neil asks carefully, and Andrew huffs in impatience. They don’t have time for this.

“We need to get you somewhere safe,” Andrew says, tugging again on Neil’s arm.

“Andrew, that doesn’t even make sense. Tell me what you’re thinking,” Neil says, putting more resistance into his stance and pulling away, towards the opposite curb.

“Stop being difficult, we don’t have time for this.” Andrew gives another tug, finally succeeding in budging Neil. There isn’t much contest, Neil is decidedly tiny and Andrew is ridiculously strong. Still, Neil has a fighter’s instinct, and he moves with the motion, twisting in Andrew's grip at the same time.

“No!” Neil calls out stubbornly, and it’s like he punched Andrew in the gut. Andrew lets go immediately, realizing what is happening. Neil’s momentum carries him forward and by the time Andrew realizes where Neil is going to land, he’s too far away to catch him. 

Neil stumbles into traffic, just as a car comes barreling down the deserted street. Andrew doesn’t have time to move, time to think, or even time to breathe.

There’s a sickening crunch, and then the car is speeding away wildly. Andrew doesn’t have time or brainpower to spare for the car, rushing to Neil’s side where he lays in the middle of the road. He’s coughing, still alive, but it doesn’t look good. Andrew’s vision goes red with all of the blood. He reaches for Neil desperately, but he doesn’t know where to touch, what to do, his mind horribly blank. 

All he can feel is that elastic band stretching, fraying, about to snap. The little fox spirit that Andrew has come to associate with Neil is standing watch over him, a silent witness to this tragedy.

Andrew grabs Neil’s hand, not sure what else to do. He feels Neil squeeze his hand back slightly. Another cough sounds, before Andrew realizes Neil is trying to speak to him.

“I’m sorry,” Neil whispers, voice faint.

“Shut up, You're not dying,” Andrew says harshly, unwilling to believe what he’s seeing.

"I didn't take you for an optimist.” Even to the end, Neil is still the same. He drives Andrew crazy, and he doesn’t want to think about how he’s supposed to just let that go. How every time he lets himself actually want something, it gets taken away. Maybe he really is cursed, like all those foster families claimed.

Neil isn’t done yet though. It must hurt so badly, but he keeps speaking with determination, his voice barely more than a whisper. Andrew is helpless to do anything but listen.

“Listen, I’ve spent a lot of my life afraid I was going to die, trying to accept that I wouldn’t live very long. My father used to threaten me all the time, and I knew it was only a matter of time. When my mother died… I thought maybe it should have been me, instead, but then I met you and the others, and I wasn’t so alone anymore. And… I think I’ve finally decided for myself… That I don’t want to die, but if I have to, at least I had this. Will you remember me? Can you promise? I know you’ll keep your promise if you do.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Andrew growls out, at a complete loss for what to say.

Neil just gives a weak chuckle. "I don't think … much choice. Promise me.” He looks so serious, a single tear tracking down the side of his face. Andrew reaches out gently to wipe it away, smearing blood down his cheek. Neil turns his face into Andrew’s hand, closing his eyes.

“I promise.”

There's a sigh, and Neil's hand goes limp in his. The feelings of grief are almost overwhelming but are quickly washed away by a tide of anger. How dare the universe try to take away the only thing he has let himself want in so long. He won’t let it happen, not if he can do something. He pushes away memories and trauma from the last time he was in this situation. This time, there are no doubts in his mind.

He takes a deep breath and reaches for something deep within himself. When he looks up, he comes face to face with the little fox ghost. He's almost surprised, but he just stares back calmly into its expressionless face. He reaches out a hand as if it really were a wild animal and waits, sitting perfectly still as the ghost comes closer. It noses at his hand before pushing its head into his palm. 

Andrew is left in awe as the creature comes closer to him. It tilts it's head as if to ask a question. Andrew just nods, before gently picking up the creature. He's only touched one ghost before this, on that horrible day so many years ago. That was nothing like this. Where that creature had fought against him, here the fox lets itself be gently picked up. 

Andrew cradles the fox ghost closely to his chest for a minute before gently laying it against Neil's still chest. He focuses on the moment, on his hands as he gently runs his finger through ghostly blue fur one last time, and not on his fear. Worry has no place here now. He knows what to do, and this time he's not going to hesitate. 

Andrew places his hands on the fox where it's resting against Neil's heart and begins to push. There's resistance at first, but Andrew just keeps going, keeps putting pressure into his hands. For a moment it seems like nothing is going to happen, but then the fox starts to sink. 

As it disappears into Neil, Andrew sees the same thing he's tried so hard to forget from the last time. The blood staining the concrete begins to recede, pulled back into the body in front of him. He focuses harder, giving everything he's got until he feels more than hears a startled inhale from the boy in front of him.

* * *

“I wish you’d told me,” Neil says.

It’s late the next day, and Andrew and Neil are playing hooky, sitting wrapped up on Andrew’s couch watching mindless TV while they each try to come to terms with what just happened. Neil took everything surprisingly well, in Andrew’s opinion, but then again, they’re both just a little screwed up, so what does normal mean to them anyway?

Any of Andrew’s roommates could walk in, but right now Andrew just doesn’t care. They can draw their own conclusions. He knows that Nicky already basically considers Neil to be one of the family. Aaron will probably blow a gasket when he sees that Neil no longer has a spirit animal. 

Andrew’s not sure how much he wants to tell Aaron, who already feels guilty over his mother’s death without thinking he should have stopped it. That’s a problem for Andrew’s future self, however, and has no place in this wonderfully quiet room.

“Would you have believed me?” Andrew asks, turning his head to look at where Neil is currently curled against him on the couch. He’s feeling oddly relaxed as he slowly adjusts to the idea that there is no impending doom or ticking clock. 

It’s strange. He doesn’t get any sense from Neil. It’s like he’s been cut off completely. Andrew wonders if this is what it’s like for normal people, not knowing at all what is going to happen. Part of him doesn’t like not knowing, but the other part of him feels oddly liberated.

A thought suddenly occurs to Andrew. He doesn’t want to spoil the mood, but it’s only going to hang over him otherwise. Besides, he’s never been one to shy away from difficult things.  
“Do you know what you’re going to do when your father gets out?” Andrew asks.

“You mean _if_ he gets out?” Neil asks. Andrew can’t tell if Neil is intentionally referencing _Hercules_ or not, but either way the non-answer makes him scowl.

“I will push you off this sofa,” Andrew threatens, but Neil just sighs contentedly, knowing an empty threat when he hears one. Andrew will give him that one, but it’s only because he’s warm and Andrew is always cold. In retaliation, Andrew sneaks still chilly fingers under Neil’s shirt, making him squirm.

“Get your cold fingers off of me!” Neil shouts, trying to twist away while staying on the cushions. 

“Not until you give me a better answer,” Andrew says, keeping a firm grip on Neil’s waist. Neil stops struggling once he realizes Andrew isn’t going to give up, and finally relents.

“I don’t know exactly. I haven’t made a plan or anything…” Neil is silent for a while, twisting the blanket with his fingers. 

“The lawyer… she gave me some options, with restraining orders and everything. She’s been really nice about it. I’ve been meaning to get a proper apartment anyway, so if I move away from that house maybe he won’t follow. Or maybe he will. I’m not going to run away from everything good in my life just because my piece of shit father wants to feel powerful. I don’t think he’s that eager to go back to jail, and it would be pretty obvious. He’s stupid, but not _that_ stupid. I’m probably just worried for no reason.”

The way Neil bites his lip counters his easy tone. He talks about this like it means nothing, but Andrew knows what it’s like to have the demons from your past come back to haunt you. 

Still, it’s a relief to hear that Neil isn’t planning on running. Plus, he has Andrew, who is more than willing to defend him with his knives. And they have friends, family. They don’t have to face this alone. Most importantly, there not timer counting down to Neil's death.

“I’ll be here too,” Andrew reminds Neil. “And I won’t… This time I’ll listen…” Andrew trails off before he can choke on the words. He can’t believe how close he had come to losing Neil.

“I know,” Neil says in a soothing tone, and Andrew can breathe more easily. Neil gets what he was trying to say. Apologies aren’t their style and he doesn’t believe in regret, so instead, he makes a silent promise to Neil that he won’t let his fear rule him next time. 

“Besides, I’m invincible now,” Neil continues, his voice becoming more teasing. Even though Andrew knows he is joking, he can’t help but reply seriously.

"That was a one time trick. Next time you die, I can't do anything about it,” Andrew says, needing Neil to understand.

"I'm already getting a second chance. I've lived longer than I ever thought I was going to,” is all Neil says in response. Then, a little more hesitantly, "Do you...?"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence with the word regret. You should know by now I don't believe in regret. Especially not now.”

Neil burrows deeper into their blanket cocoon with a small sigh. 

“Okay.”

Andrew tightens his hold around Neil and thinks that maybe they will be okay after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye-ayes are so fucking creepy, google at your own risk.


	5. Guiltless (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song "Guiltless" by Dodie

Andrew arrives at Tilda’s house straight from juvie at age 15. He’s been labeled a delinquent and a problem by the whole world by this point, but anything is better than staying in that house now that Cass is gone. 

He meets Tilda for the first time at the front door of a dark, run-down house, and the first thing he sees is the large, creepy looking raven perched on her shoulder, indistinct blue eyes staring him down. 

Andrew's not sure if he expected to feel something after the next mother figure to walk into his life is fated to die. He finds it funny, in a way. It's like he's a character in a book with an author that has a particular grudge against mothers. 

He definitely doesn't feel bad when he sees the way his twin flinches away from her when she moves her hands too quickly to fidget at the strap of her purse. Andrew knows that feeling. 

Whatever Tilda is like, he's not going to make the same mistake twice. He promises himself that he’ll never let himself get attached to someone who is going to die ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over! There was a point I was sure I wasn't even going to finish this story but I managed to pull something off at the last minute. I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> I also feel like I owe Andrew an apology for projecting so many of my anxieties around death onto him. I'm also trying to learn not to sabotage good things just because I'm afraid I'm going to lose them, and so if you relate, please take a deep breath and let yourself enjoy good things as they happen.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :) Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated! I don't usually respond, but I cherish each and every nice thing you guys say. It keeps me coming back every time a story makes me want to tear my hair out, so thank you!


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